


Trepidation of the Spheres

by havocthecat



Series: Valedictions [4]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Episode Related, Episode: s03e02 Misbegotten, F/F, F/M, Femslash, Future Threesome, Het, Multi, Other, Polyamory, Sexual Identity, UST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-02
Updated: 2012-11-02
Packaged: 2017-11-17 15:05:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/552881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/havocthecat/pseuds/havocthecat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>"I want--" Kate stops and looks at John, who's staring at their joined hands. "I'm afraid of what I want."</p><p>"Join the club," says John. He looks up at her suddenly. "Please tell me you don't have a problem with me kissing you right now."</p><p>"I won't know until you try it," says Kate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trepidation of the Spheres

"Elizabeth." Kate smiles as Elizabeth steps into the office. She's seated behind her desk, entering notes into her tablet. "I'd heard you had returned. How was Earth?"

"Hello, Kate." Elizabeth's smile is tepid, born of exhaustion and several weeks of dealing with Mr. Woolsey and the IOA. "I didn't manage to get out much." 

"I can imagine." Kate's smile vanishes, only to be replaced with her usual professional demeanor, and Elizabeth feels a flicker of disappointment. "I heard we have a guest on Atlantis."

"Mr. Woolsey," says Elizabeth. She does her best to look apologetic, not tired. The disruption everyone is experiencing right now is unpleasant. "The IOA asked him to review the expedition's procedures and suggest possible changes."

"By which you mean he's here to review you?" asks Kate. She stands, and gestures over at the chairs, looking wry as they move to sit down. There's sympathy there, Elizabeth thinks. "I'm aware of the obfuscation that's usually involved in these situations."

"To be honest, I'm in your office so I can escape from him for a little while," says Elizabeth, looking around. It's cozy, with bright sunlight and comfortable chairs. "He doesn't seem to be eager to follow me here."

"Most people aren't going to be comfortable in my office," says Kate. Her frustration isn't obvious, but Elizabeth sees it in the set of Kate's mouth.

"Speaking of discomfort," says Elizabeth. She leans forward, and watches Kate keep herself still. "I feel like you're uncomfortable around me, Kate."

"Why do you think that?" asks Kate. She blinks once, then purses her lips. It's all very deliberate. Elizabeth curses Kate's facility in hiding how she feels.

"For one, I had to ask you to call me by my first name," Elizabeth points out. "You've kept up a level of formality most of the staff hasn't bothered with."

"As did you," said Kate. "For most of our time here, you've addressed me by my title. I'm afraid I didn't feel comfortable initiating any informality."

"Why not?" asks Elizabeth. She frowns, puzzled by Kate's reticence. "I don't want there to be any problems between us."

"May I be honest with you, Elizabeth?" asks Kate, after a long moment of silence.

"Of course." Elizabeth clasps her hands on her crossed knees as she watches Kate gather her thoughts.

"There are things I've had to keep private, in part due to working this closely with many members of the United States military. One of them is the fact that I'm primarily attracted to women," says Kate. She pauses, and Elizabeth can't read her expression. "To you, as a matter of fact."

"I see." The uneasy flutter in her stomach is back. Elizabeth doesn't mean to look uncertain, but she feels it comes through anyway.

"It's not something I would ever act on," adds Kate. She says it too quickly. She's backpedaling, and it's based on whatever she can see in Elizabeth's face. She can get that much of a read on her. "It's all right. Please forget I said anything."

"I've never--" begins Elizabeth. Her hands tighten, and she wonders what Kate sees in her. She wonders what Kate is feeling right now. She tries to start over. "I've always been in relationships with men."

Kate's door opens, and both Elizabeth and Kate look over. John's standing there. He takes the time to slouch against the doorway, and Elizabeth can't stop the smile that comes to her face at the sight of him. He's very handsome, and he knows it, but she doesn't want anyone to interrupt this moment with Kate.

"There you are," he says, grinning. "Woolsey's starting to get a little frantic to review some paperwork with you. Figured I'd head him off at the pass."

"We were just discussing the new staff's psychiatric evaluations." Kate's voice is measured and professional again. It's too smooth. Elizabeth likes it better when Kate doesn't sound like her office persona. "I think we've gone over everything relevant, don't you, Elizabeth?"

Elizabeth nods at the double meaning as she stands up. She can't think of what to say, or how to react. She tears her gaze away from John's curious expression, and looks over at Kate. "I'll see you later, Kate?"

"Of course." Kate's voice is cool as she stands and moves to look out the window. Elizabeth turns and walks away with John, their shoulders brushing against each other. She almost lets herself look back.

***

The lights are bright, but the normal bustle of Atlantis is hushed. Elizabeth is only eating because John threatened to throw her over his shoulder and carry her to the mess if she didn't take a break. She's tired, and the food isn't waking her up. Maybe if she can get back to the botanists' budget, she can get through it. Then she can let herself sleep.

John taps his fork on his plate, and Elizabeth jumps and looks up at him. "It's been a week since the last crisis," he says. "Woolsey's gone. Everything's back to normal. What's eating you?"

"I'm just not very hungry," says Elizabeth. She smiles.

John doesn't look like he believes her. He leans forward, looking intense. Elizabeth glances down, because now she _knows_ John doesn't believe her. "Tell me what's wrong. It's the middle of the goddamn night, we're the only ones in the mess, and something's bothering you."

When Elizabeth looks up, she searches John's eyes. He's worried. He's even scared. She decides then that she has to be honest with him. "There's someone else on Atlantis that I'm attracted to," she says, her voice low. 

"Someone on Atlantis you're--" John almost flinches back. "Are you trying to break things off with me?"

"No!" exclaims Elizabeth. She reaches out and covers his hand with hers. "God, John, of course not. I--" She stops, and pleads with her eyes for him to understand why she can't say how she feels.

He does, because of all the things he can't say either. It doesn't matter. They know. "Right," he says. "So who is it?"

Elizabeth's breath hisses out in a frustrated sigh. "It's complicated."

"Can't be all that complicated," says John. He smirks at her, putting a veneer of humor over the panic he must be feeling. "You say Lorne, and I'm going to transfer him to laundry duty. Maybe for a couple years."

That's when Kate stumbles in, her eyes barely open. Her hair is mussed, and Elizabeth thinks she can see faint imprints on Kate's cheek, like she fell asleep on her desk. She stifles a yawn as she makes for the tray of non-perishable food they leave out for the night personnel. 

Elizabeth watches as Kate snatches up an apple and pours herself a large cup of coffee. She turns to leave and stills as she spots Elizabeth, who only realizes then that her hand is still covering John's.

John's gaping, looking between Kate and Elizabeth. "It's _Heightmeyer_? You have the hots for _Heightmeyer_?"

Kate blanches and drops her midnight snack. The red-skinned apple rolls along the floor and lodges under a chair. The stainless steel mug clatters against Atlantis' metal flooring, and dark brown spatters the legs of her khaki pants. She shakes her head, opens her mouth to say something, and then snaps it shut as she leaves without a word.

***

They're in Elizabeth's bedroom. John's bedroom is where he spends time during the day, but most of his nights are here with her. "I had no idea you liked girls." 

"Women," corrects Elizabeth. She's standing in one spot as John paces around her. "I'd had no idea myself, John. Not until recently."

"So you don't know if you're a lesbian?" he asks. "Because that's what it is if you're a woman who's into women, right?"

"I'm not a lesbian." Elizabeth's frowning at him, but he seems to be too upset to notice. "You didn't seem worried about that last night." Last night he'd been buried inside of her. His eyes had been dark with lust, and she still hears the echo of her name on his lips as he came.

"Last night I thought Heightmeyer weirded you out because she's all about emotional openness," snaps John. "Now I'm finding out it's because you're attracted to her. Where does that leave you and me?"

"The same place we have been," says Elizabeth. She walks forward, and John stills as she reaches him. "I'm still attracted to you. I'm _more_ than attracted to you."

"You have the hots for a woman. Not just any woman either, but Heightmeyer," says John. It's only natural for Elizabeth to lay her palms flat on his chest as he rests his hands on her waist and pulls her closer. "Who insists on doing things like talking about how I _feel_. It's freaky." 

"It is." Elizabeth looks away briefly. "I'm sorry, John. This isn't something you should have to deal with." He's silent for long enough that Elizabeth starts to worry.

"Hey, this is me." She feels John's shrug more than she sees it. He's reached a decision, then. "You ever tell me you're into a Wraith Queen, that's when I'll freak out."

"I see," murmurs Elizabeth.

"Just do me a favor?" asks John.

Elizabeth can hear the smile in his voice, so she looks up. "What?"

"You ever decide you want to kiss Heightmeyer, call me first so I can watch," he says. His voice is light, but Elizabeth knows the look in his eyes. He's thinking about it.

She laughs like it's a joke, but the idea of kissing Kate lodges in Elizabeth's mind. She can't let it go either.

***

Elizabeth is lying in bed while John is using her shower. On most mornings, she's up by now and reviewing everything she needs for the morning staff meeting. She turns onto her side and burrows deeper into the blankets. How did this happen? She's always thought of herself as heterosexual. She's never been attracted to another woman.

Then again, there's the restlessness she always felt when college roommate brought her girlfriend over. Elizabeth had always pushed that off to the side and assumed it was discomfort based on a group of stereotypes she refuses to believe. She remembers holding hands with her best friend in high school, and the thrill that raced through her when they would hug.

In light of the past few weeks, all of those events take on new meaning. Elizabeth closes her eyes. Damn. She thinks of the hard planes of muscle in John's biceps. His hair is short, his voice is low and rough when he whispers to her, and she loves sex with him.

The thought of Kate feeling anything to her surprises Elizabeth. Being attracted to Kate is even more shocking. Objectively, she knows Kate's beautiful. Elizabeth admits to herself that she's studied the lines of Kate's figure more often than not. She shifts in bed and throws the covers off, then slips her fingers between her thighs.

She's wet. From thinking about Kate. Oh, God.

Elizabeth can't help herself. She traces her fingers across her labia. She shifts onto her back and circles her nipple with her other hand. She can't stop a shiver at the thought of Kate's hands doing this to her. She wants to breathe in the faint scent of sandalwood she catches when Kate leans too close.

Her thumb moves over her clit, and Elizabeth bites back a moan. Then John is there, skin still damp from the shower. He covers her body with his and traps her in place as he slides smoothly inside her. "You have no idea how hot it is," he growls, "watching you like this."

It doesn't matter that John is _right there_ ; the only image filling Elizabeth's mind is the idea of watching Kate, of the need to touch her. He's moving slowly as Elizabeth wraps her legs around his waist and reaches down to press her fingers against her clit. 

She comes hard, convulsing against him, and then all she can feel is an overwhelming sense of guilt. She should be thinking of John right now, but she wants Kate's mouth against her skin.

***

John tracks Heightmeyer down to one of the Ancient labs, which takes some doing, since she's usually planted in her office. Maybe she's hiding. She's tinkering with some tech and inputting data into her handheld. He watches her for a minute while he waits for her to notice him, but Heightmeyer's either distracted or ignoring him.

"So what's up with you and Elizabeth?" asks John. He can't get to Elizabeth without making it public, so he may as well ask Heightmeyer instead.

She doesn't react by jumping, so either Heightmeyer's not easily startled, or she was just ignoring him. Either way, it makes John irritable as she straightens and gives him a bland look. "What do you mean, Colonel?"

He lets the door to the lab close behind him. "What's going on between you two? Do you want to start something with her?"

"Even if I wanted to, I couldn't," she says. She sets the screwdriver down and dusts nonexistent dirt off her hands. "That would be both unethical and unprofessional."

As far as John can tell, Heightmeyer isn't trying to lecture him for starting a relationship with Elizabeth, but her words sting anyway. "Is that what you're saying I am?" he asks, stalking over to the other side of the work bench. "Unethical and unprofessional?"

"My statement was indicative of my views on any potential relationship with someone I've encountered in my role as a therapist, Colonel," says Heightmeyer. She tilts her head as she looks at him. "I hadn't even been aware until last night that you and Elizabeth were in a relationship. Do _you_ feel that you've behaved in an unprofessional manner?"

He's cursing at having forgotten how many questions she asks. It wasn't that long ago she and Beckett had conspired to corral him into couples therapy with Elizabeth. "I'm not here to talk about my feelings," John says.

"I'm aware of that," says Heightmeyer. She's so damn calm most of the time. How does she do it? "However, your feelings, whatever they may be, are the reason you're here."

"You're the therapist for the whole damn expedition," says John. He's never in the mood to talk about his feelings, so he tries to shift the whole thing onto her. "Everyone's your patient. Are you saying you've never thought about throwing ethics to the wind?"

"What I think matters far less than my actions," says Heightmeyer. "My behavior has always been impeccable." Her mouth flattens, and suddenly she adds something unprofessional to _that_ little statement. "You have nothing to be jealous of."

"Excuse me?" asks John, boggling at her. She looks taken aback by what she's said.

"I'm sorry. I should get to the infirmary." Heightmeyer pockets her handheld and puts her screwdriver into a small tool kit on the work bench. "I have a meeting with Carson."

She comes around the work bench, not even looking at John, but when she heads for the door, he knows he has to stop her. "Heightmeyer, wait."

"I would appreciate your use of my title, _Colonel_ ," she says, pausing and turning back to him. "Or even just my name." Her mouth quirks as she notices where he's looking. "I have eyes, you know."

This is the problem with Heightmeyer always wearing a push-up bra. John has a healthy appreciation of that sort of thing. It's annoying when she calls him on it, though. "I know--" 

"Of course you do," says Heightmeyer. She's frustrated, and John's wondering where the hell this conversation started to go so wrong. Or what information he's missing. "Please stop staring."

With that, she's gone, and John sinks down onto a stool. He's not sure what just happened.

***

Elizabeth watches Kate as she leans over the worktable. Her fingers are slender and wrapped around a small Ancient device in one hand, and she's scanning small bits of machinery. She's absorbed in her work, and Elizabeth can't take her eyes off Kate's intent expression.

"I couldn't find you in your office," Elizabeth says. "I was starting to get worried." She can't help but smile at the confused look Kate gives her. 

"Elizabeth?" Kate puts the scanner aside and sets her hands down on the table. Her expression smooths out. It's bland. "Is there something I can help you with?"

"We need to talk," says Elizabeth. She walks into the lab and lets the door slide shut behind her. "About the other day."

"I don't see that there's anything to talk about," says Kate. She frowns. "What I said was inappropriate and out of line. It won't come up again."

"Why did you tell me that?" asks Elizabeth. She shakes her head. "I don't understand."

"I had a moment of poor judgment." Elizabeth doesn't miss the way Kate starts gripping the table she's leaning against or the tense whiteness of her knuckles. "For various reasons."

"Are you all right?" asks Elizabeth. She's concerned at the set of Kate's jaw right now, and the look in Kate's eyes. It's not mirrored in her expression.

"Not particularly." Kate doesn't look away from Elizabeth. "I need some leave time on Earth. I just need to get away for a while. When I get back, we need to hire a second therapist for the expedition."

"Kate, I said you could come to me if there was anything _you_ needed to talk about," Elizabeth says, moving forward to the workbench. She knows she looks concerned. She hopes Kate picks up on that.

"That's part of the problem, Elizabeth," says Kate. "I _can't_ talk to you about this."

"If this is about what you told me--" begins Elizabeth.

"That's only part of it, and no, I don't want to talk about it." Kate cuts her off with a shake of her head. "I can't maintain my objectivity. If I go away for a month and talk to a therapist I know on Earth, then I can come back to Atlantis with a clearer perspective."

"All right," says Elizabeth. She's got a sickening feeling that she's handling this all wrong, but she doesn't know what to say. "All right. Send me a formal request, and I'll discuss it with Carson."

"I have some suggestions for therapists I think have the mental flexibility to cope with this expedition and the people of Pegasus." Kate's expression is so neutral that Elizabeth controls a wince. "I'll send you CVs when I send in my formal request for leave. We need a second therapist on Atlantis."

"I don't want yesterday to change our friendship," says Elizabeth. That's all she can have with Kate, because it's not as if she can date both Kate and John. "It doesn't have to."

"We were never friends." Kate's eyes make her look like she's about to shatter. "I screwed up. I'm going away because I need perspective. We can be friends when I get back."

"Kate--" Elizabeth doesn't know what to say, so she stops talking. The idea of being with both Kate and John is enticing in a way that terrifies her. She hopes it goes away soon.

"I'm sorry, Elizabeth." Kate sighs. "I wish I'd never said anything. I did, though, and now I have to deal with it. I didn't mean to lay any of this on you."

"You don't have to deal with it alone." Elizabeth lays a hand on Kate's arm. She watches for Kate's reaction and doesn't see a thing. She just notices that Kate stays very, very still. "Send in your request. But I'd like you to take a week to think about it before I process it. When I recruited you for the Atlantis expedition, you were so passionate about the opportunities."

"If I wasn't still passionate about Atlantis, I'd have resigned," says Kate. She gestures at the scattered parts on the workbench with her other hand. "I'm working with fascinating technology that we're only beginning to understand, I've made friends from this galaxy, and I create therapy techniques for new psychiatric issues. What's not to love? About Atlantis."

"Speaking of friends from this galaxy," says Elizabeth, hoping that she can find some way to help Kate, "can you talk to Teyla about this?"

"She and I have talked about some of it," says Kate. She smiles. Just for an instant, there's a wistfulness in it that makes Elizabeth's breath catch. "Not about the emotional context. I can't put her in that position."

"I understand," says Elizabeth. She realizes she's stroking her thumb along Kate's forearm. The rising heat she feels startles her, and the gasp from Kate as their eyes lock causes Elizabeth's lips to part.

"Please don't." Kate's voice is strangled as she pulls her arm away. Elizabeth flinches back. "That makes it worse."

"I'm sorry, I--" Elizabeth steps away. "I have to go." 

Elizabeth eats lunch in her office, going over old paperwork that Kate has filed. She stares at them until John pages and reminds her to eat.

***

This time, John's the one who's distracted at dinner. He managed to get Elizabeth out of her office, and for once, she isn't holding onto a computer and working on it while she's eating. He's scanning the mess for Heightmeyer and wondering if they can talk more calmly this time.

"John?" Elizabeth's concerned voice finally sinks in, and he looks over at her. "Have you been listening to anything I've said?"

"Not really," he admits, smiling and trying to get himself out of trouble. "Have you seen Heightmeyer at all today?"

Elizabeth doesn't really answer, just asks a question instead. "How come?"

"It's complicated," says John slowly.

The look Elizabeth gives him says she knows he's not telling her something. "Let's go back to my office," she says.

"Yeah," says John, pushing his plate away. "Turns out I'm not very hungry."

As they leave the mess, Elizabeth turns in the direction of her quarters instead. "I get the feeling this isn't a discussion we should be having in my office," she murmurs.

"You could say that," is all that John says.

On the way there, they pass Teyla and Heightmeyer, smiling and laughing together about something. Heightmeyer doesn't seem to notice them, though Teyla nods in greeting. John can't take his eyes off Heightmeyer, and he notices Elizabeth's gaze doesn't leave her either.

"This is still freaking me out," says John, as soon as the door to Elizabeth's quarters closes. "How can you have a thing for Heightmeyer?"

"I don't know," she says. She's twisting her hands together in front of her body and staring at her door. "I really don't know, John."

"This makes things pretty damn awkward," says John. He hesitates to add this, but he may as well. "I've been thinking about her too."

"I thought you might be." Elizabeth meets his gaze and her mouth quirks, though not into a smile. "I don't think it's any easier on her."

"She doesn't have a thing for you, though." Then John sees in Elizabeth's eyes that's not true. "Oh. She does."

"Kate doesn't know how I feel about you or her," says Elizabeth. "Or she didn't until she saw us in the mess last night. I believe she would never act on it."

"Yeah, I got that," mutters John.

"Excuse me?" Elizabeth frowns at him, and John glances away. "John?"

"I kind of went to see how Heightmeyer was doing today," admits John. "It didn't exactly go well."

"And by 'didn't exactly go well,' you mean..." Elizabeth's voice trails off as she waits for him to answer.

"Did you know Heightmeyer has a temper?" asks John. Avoidance. John's big on avoidance. She knows that. "I mean, we know she does, we've seen it, but she got snippy."

"John," says Elizabeth, in her best 'please explain' tone.

"She told me I didn't need to worry about her infringing on my territory," says John. He brings his hand up and rubs at the back of his neck. "After I sort of asked if she'd ever thought about having a relationship with you."

"That explains the meeting I had with her today," says Elizabeth. "She seemed subdued."

John starts to get a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Meeting?" 

"Kate's asked that we bring a second therapist to Atlantis," says Elizabeth. "As well as for a month's leave on Earth. She cites overwork, but I asked her several weeks ago if she wanted some leave. She was very insistent at the time that she didn't need it."

"So what changed?" asks John. Shit. He can't actually imagine Atlantis without Heightmeyer. He doesn't think anyone else could've gotten through to Teyla about that whole Wraith thing, not to mention he knows damn well she pulls extra shifts fiddling with Ancient tech on top of all her psychiatric work. 

Plus he likes her. She's the only therapist he's ever been to that's had a chance at worming out the truth about how he feels, and he thinks she could be a friend. Maybe she could've been more than a friend, if it weren't for Elizabeth.

It's been a long time since John has trusted anyone, but Atlantis seems to be bent on changing all that. He's been adding to the list since he got here.

"Do I really need to answer that?" asks Elizabeth. "I'm concerned that she means to train a new therapist to take over on a permanent basis."

"You know Rodney's never going to go for that," says John. "Which means I'm never going to hear the end of it. Are you sure she just didn't mean she was overworked? I swear, the reports I see from her keep getting longer and longer."

"I don't know what she meant," says Elizabeth. "I think we should ask her."

"Yeah, see, here's the problem," says John. "Me and talking don't go together all that well."

"I'm aware of that," says Elizabeth. She smiles wryly. "I'm only good at it when it doesn't involve talking about myself."

***

"This is a bad idea," says John, as they're standing in front of Kate's bedroom. "What if she's in here with someone? Like a girlfriend?"

"Then we'll apologize and talk to her later," says Elizabeth. She doesn't mean to lie, but if they're going to do this, now is the only time Elizabeth's going to have the courage for it. She activates the chimes for Kate's door, which opens a few seconds later.

"Elizabeth? Colonel Sheppard?" Kate frowns in confusion as she pushes her hair back from where it hangs in her face. She's wearing a black silk half-length robe that's tied loosely enough to show a lacy camisole. "Is something wrong?"

John's too busy staring to say anything, so Elizabeth speaks up instead. "We need to speak with you."

Kate glances back into her room. "I'm sorry, but I was just about to go to sleep. If there's no emergency, I can come to your office before my first appointment."

"It's personal," says Elizabeth. She tries to meet Kate's eyes. Elizabeth thinks she sees some kind of hope in Kate's eyes before she closes them. When she opens them again, Elizabeth can't read Kate at all. The silence drags out. "Please."

"All right." Kate steps aside, and turns away to fix the tie on her robe. She sweeps her hair back and twists it loosely against the back of her neck, then gestures to a small sofa. Elizabeth and John sit next to each other, and Elizabeth doesn't miss that Kate sits on a chair with her legs and arms both crossed. Her body is turned away from them, and her ankles are tucked back. "What can I do for you?"

"John and I are in a relationship," begins Elizabeth. 

"I suspected as much for some time now," says Kate. She nods without letting any emotion through. "Are the two of you having problems with your working dynamic shifting due to the issues brought up by your relationship?"

"It's not that," says Elizabeth. "Kate, it's--"

"Elizabeth, I'm sorry," says Kate abruptly. She shifts in her seat. "You know what? I can't do this. I can't involve myself as a therapist in situations where my objectivity may be compromised. When you hire a second therapist for the expedition, the two of you will have to decide how much you trust that person with the knowledge of your relationship."

"We're not in the mood for goddamn couples therapy," says John. "If I wanted therapy, I'd make an appointment instead of showing up at your bedroom door."

"If you're not in the mood for therapy, then I'm confused," says Kate. "Why are you here? What else could you possibly want from me?"

"I don't know what I want," says Elizabeth. She's only seen Kate loser her temper once before. "I have feelings for John, but--"

"But she can't stop thinking about you," says John. She sees Kate look at him, eyes wide and mouth forming a silent 'oh' as he tries to look nonchalant. "I can't either, for that matter. Look, do you want to leave Atlantis?"

"Of course not," says Kate, frowning at them both. "I explained--" She stops in obvious surprise at the look of relief on Elizabeth's face. "My unrequited feelings for anyone on this expedition aren't enough to make me want to leave Atlantis. I need a break, though, in order to deal with my feelings."

"Don't you mean your unrequited for _Elizabeth_?" asks John. "The ones that aren't totally unrequited."

"I wish that I meant they were only for Elizabeth," says Kate. Elizabeth watches her meet John's gaze, and wonders how she never noticed before now the way Kate looks at John.

"Wait, you're--" John looks at Elizabeth, confused. "I thought you said she was a lesbian."

"I never said that," Elizabeth tells him. "However, Kate did tell me she's always been attracted to women."

"That was the case for most of my life," says Kate. "It changed recently."

"How recently?" asks John.

"Since I came to Atlantis and got to know you better." She sighs and uncrosses her arms. Her hands lay in her lap, fingers laced together. "It's been difficult to determine how to deal with it." 

Elizabeth watches the slow amazement on John's face. "I don't think any of us can figure out how to deal with having feelings for people we're not supposed to," she says. "None of us should have feelings for each other, but--"

"But we all do," finishes Kate. She looks nervous. "You've both been my patients. Elizabeth, you're the head of this entire expedition, and Colonel, you're in charge of the military here. The ethical violations would be staggering."

"Okay, seriously, you've _got_ to start calling me John," he says. "I'm gonna start calling you Kate. And screw 'the ethics of your profession.' You've been lonely."

"All right," says Kate, after a moment of thought. "I don't know what to do. Taking some leave time to clear my mind was the only thing I could think of."

"Please don't do that," says Elizabeth. "I--"

"We," says John, giving Elizabeth a look. She's not in this alone. Either it's a relief, or it makes her terrified beyond belief, but she hasn't decided which yet.

" _We_ would miss you." Kate's not the only one with butterflies in her stomach over this conversation. Elizabeth glances at John, then leans forward and takes Kate's hand. "I think we need to figure this out together."

"Are you asking me to set the ethics of my profession aside?" asks Kate. Her thumb sweeps across Elizabeth's hand, and Elizabeth controls a shiver.

"Only for this," says Elizabeth. She swallows. "I've never felt this way about another woman before. You've been a part of this expedition from the start. Stop holding yourself apart from it."

"From us," adds John. She gives Elizabeth a sharp look she can't figure out.

"I want--" Kate stops and looks at John, who's staring at their joined hands. "I'm afraid of what I want."

"Join the club," says John. He looks up at her suddenly. "Please tell me you don't have a problem with me kissing you right now."

"I won't know until you try it," says Kate.

John slides off the sofa and leans closer to Kate, whose fingers are tightening on Elizabeth's. "It's okay," he murmurs. His mouth is inches away from Kate's. 

Elizabeth can't look away. She's sure she should, but she can't.

"I know," whispers Kate. John's mouth presses against hers, and he's gentle. When Kate's breath catches, Elizabeth sees John's mouth part. The warmth of Kate's hand on Elizabeth seeps through her. Kate brings her other hand up to touch John's cheek.

They move away from each other, both breathless. "Well?" asks Elizabeth.

Kate doesn't answer right away. "It was different," she says. "Nice. Are we really going to try this?"

"I think so," says Elizabeth. She has butterflies in her stomach. She wants to run. She wants to stay. "I want to."

"It's up to you, Kate," says John. "No running off to Earth?"

"I'm familiar with the concept of polyamory, if not the practice of it," says Kate. She nods, still looking serious. "We'll try this. I'll cancel my request for leave."

***

The next night, John and Elizabeth are waiting for Kate to finish her weekly department meeting. John is lounging on Elizabeth's bed and flipping idly through an old issue of Guns & Ammo scrounged from Cadman while Elizabeth is looking over power consumption reports. 

"Do you think she's coming?" asks Elizabeth. 

John pretends he hasn't been watching Elizabeth check the clock every few minutes. "She said they may run long, if Biro's presentation on Ancient physiology is ready to go."

"I remember," says Elizabeth. She looks over at the door. "It's just that--"

"You're nervous and wondering if she is too?" asks John. He sets the magazine down and sits up.

Elizabeth starts as the door chimes. "Aren't you?" she asks.

"Come in!" calls John, avoiding the need to answer Elizabeth's question.

The door opens, and Kate walks in quickly. "Hello," she says, as the door closes behind her. John thinks he sees hesitation in Kate's eyes as she smiles. 

"Kate," says Elizabeth. She stands and walks over to Kate, who settles the issue of what Elizabeth should do with her hands by taking them in hers. 

"How was the meeting?" asks John. He feels like he should say something normal. 

"The same as medical staff meetings always are," says Kate. "Updates on lab work, scheduling clinic rotations, things like that. Though Carson _is_ developing a program to ensure that everyone on Atlantis knows basic CPR and first aid." She brushes her lips across Elizabeth's cheek, then draws back to study Elizabeth's reaction.

"Sounds fascinating," drawls John.

"Not really," says Kate.

Elizabeth doesn't say anything, just keeps watching Kate. "This is new," she says.

"This is the part that I'm more familiar with," says Kate. She kisses Elizabeth on the mouth this time, and John stares as Elizabeth melts into it. They look good together, with Elizabeth's lean frame pressing into Kate's slender body, and Kate looks slightly regretful as Elizabeth pulls away.

"Wow." John blinks. "Yeah, um. Wow."

Kate's glance at him is more amused than it should be, but John's still too caught up in the kiss to realize it. "It's good to know lesbianism hasn't lost any of its power to shut down the thought processes of a straight man," she murmurs. 

Elizabeth chuckles. "You have a sense of humor," she says. "You always seem so serious."

"Not many people get to see it," says Kate. She lets Elizabeth tug her over to the bed. 

When they sit, Kate tries to stay on the edge, farther away from Elizabeth and John, but John takes one wrist and tugs her closer. "I may not be an expert on this, but I don't think it works quite like that," he tells her.

"I feel like I'm intruding," says Kate. She smoothes her palms down her thighs as she settles cross-legged on the bed. "This is your relationship."

"Not just mine and Elizabeth's any more," says John. "Not if we're going to make this work."

Kate nods. "All right," she says. "I'll see what I can do to overcome that feeling."

\--end--


End file.
